the tellie!

I have lots of opinions, especially about raising children. And mostly because I can remember all the things I did with my children that I wish I'd done differently. No surprise I made it my career, telling parents what I think works and doesn't work about childrearing. However, of late, there is actually science/research to back up much of what I like to preach about.

Of course, every family is different so there's no "one size fits all" parenting manual. And I have such a love/hate relationship with the television, it's taken me a long time to figure good guidelines for using it. If you can get by without one, altogether, that's the best solution. If not, here are the basics from this viewpoint:

1) NO television time before 2 years old. NONE. It interferes with a child's brain development and some very early learning basics. Some even say it can exacerbate attention deficit disorder. Until children reach about 2, they are incapable of distinguishing reality from fantasy or "pretend", which is why TV isn't a good thing under 2.

2) Limited screen time around 2 years old and absolutely age appropriate. PBS is really the only early TV I would expose children to....Disney is not really appropriate for that age and it sets up lots of "gimme" attitude. Disney is very interested in selling toys and stuff, most of which are very cheaply made, with little or no educational value. Sorry guys, just take a very good look. A set of wooden blocks, made in America is much more educational than one of those noisy, silly, plastic, multi-colored events that they peddle. (not just Disney, but all the big toy manufacturers).

3) All through childhood, up to about age 12, do all you can to limit screen time and to monitor what the children are watching. Find interesting shows you can watch as a family and have discussions around them.

4) NO personal tv's in children's bedrooms. A communal television is easier to control. This goes for computers, too, when the kids are old enough to use them for homework. These sorts of appliances can be very divisive for families, as they are activities that can be done alone for long periods of time. Children need interaction with their parents and other family members for healthy development.

I started this blog tonight because I found myself in front of the tv instead of reading a book. I've been reading all weekend in between activities with friends and family and wanted a change. Nothing interesting to watch except Jon and Kate plus eight, a very sweet show about a couple who have 8 children, 2 sets of multiples! They are so much fun to watch, the children are adorable and the parents are very authentic in their approach to their family life.........

Gotta go, they're on with a new episode......

Cheryl

what's a holiday really about?

A holiday is time set aside for family and friends to re-connect in a relaxed setting. It easy to get caught up in the same, everyday "rat-race" pace, trying to get things put in order, catch up on unfinished projects or just "space out" on TV, sports events and the shopping craze.

If you have three days off for Memorial Day, it might be a good time to take a whole day, if not more, to just "be" with family and friends. Not much doing. Cook together with the children, play games with them, notice the nature around you, even if it's just your backyard or potted patio.

I spent yesterday doing absolutely nothing, took a nap, read a book, sat on my porch amongst my potted garden and gazed out at the ocean.....Today I'm ready to see family and friends! Have a great day, all....

Cheryl

importance of the early years

Just attended a conference sponsored by the First 5 Commission of Ca. in LA. The focus has been on early brain development of children and how parents, pediatritions and the community can best support families. There is a lot of work to do on many fronts. Much is being done already but there are so many places we "fall down" as a society, a community. For instance, the way the Justice System determines how many prisons to build for the future is by measuring third grade achievement in our elementary schools! I was a appalled to learn this as we are doing a less than perfect job getting our young children prepared for school in the first place.

Too many children, mostly from the lower socio-economic level, are not given the same preschool opportunities and advantages as those from more affluent families. This could be a good argument for pre-school for all children. However, I don't thing that's where we should start. We need to eliminate poverty, which is part of the cycle I'm alluding to......But to do that, babies need to come into this world healthy and well.

Research tells us that an infant's brain has millions of opportunities to grow EACH day. But if we aren't giving that infant proper nutrition, nurturing and stimulation from the beginning, in fact, from the time before birth, than those millions of "firings" that build the brain won't happen. I actually saw a slide, during Harriet Myer's keynote address, that showed two infant brains, same age, side by side. One was lit up in all the areas of his/her brain but the other, the child that had had little or no nurturing, stimulation and poor diet had big dark spaces throughout! Harriet is the CEO of The Ounce Foundation, an entity dedicated to making sure that all children in America have an equal start in life, through proper education of child and parent.

There is so much further to go with this dialog, this mission. Much has been recently written and can be found on the internet by googling "early brain development." Even economists have pointed out that as a nation we would spend much less in the beginning to have healthier children, emotionally and physically, than ignoring the issue until later and dealing with the consequences of such neglect.

That of course, would include health care for everyone......an obvious support for this issue. When children are allowed the opportunity to engage in their world fully, they are much better equipped to care for themselves later, to be contributing members of society and to raise their own healthy families. Rather than be afraid of others in our communities, gangs, criminals, impoverished, homeless, the mentally ill, let us all work together to provide an equal "playing field" from the start of our children's lives.

Well, I guess I got more out of the conference than I expected. See what a little focus will do???

Have a great holiday weekend,

Cheryl

they never really leave....

I find it amusing that parents often express the idea that when their children are 18 or go off to University or marry or just go live on their own, that somehow the parents are then not engaged or involved as much as they used to be.......(long sentence, I know). This is not the case, for most families.

I have children in their mid to late thirties, with children of their own who are no less involved with me than when they were say, 2 or 9 or 14. Of course, parents could go away and not respond but for me that just isn't an option. I like that they may still need to know something I know or just want some reassurance. I don't think we're really too dependent on one another, but maybe we are. I like to think that we are just "close".......oh what a tangled web we weave......."

But at any rate that is what's so and I accept it because it just suits me. So, the next time you find yourself thinking of the future and being without children....GET REAL! It ain't gonna happen. (unless YOU go far away, that is).

Be well, be happy,

Cheryl

BTW the picture is my son and one of my grandsons....

Earth Day!

I watched an interview last night of first time voters. They were young, passionate and articulate about their commitment to the Earth...they stated that their PRIORITY issue is climate change and the effects thereof on the entire planet and all its people

So I asked my son:"What do you think about the environment?"

Here is his answer: "I love it and I think we should take care of it and stop using big cars like Hummers and we should save electricity and take short showers." I loved that he had this consciousness and am thankful that the school he attends is eco-friendly and committed to a recycling program and on-going environmental education. There is so much we can do within our own lives to make a real difference to our planet's well being. Our children are the Earth's guardians. We can introduce regular projects to encourage action from our kids for example....Plant a tree week, clean up the beach week, save water week.Local National parks and many utilities companies have innovative conservation related educational materials.Make an Earth Day every week in your home!

Debra

something to ponder

It's a gorgeous May day here, birds singing their little hearts out, the ocean looks calm from my front window and the air is soft and inviting. I must go out into it.......It's an outside day. Luckily, I get to spend the day first with one grandchild and later with the other. (I'm still too chicken to have them both at once, on my own. At least not until they are older)....

So, can't stay in any longer.....will just leave this lovely thought from Mahatma Gandhi with you all:

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony"

Cheryl

What's next?

So, now that we've committed to this thing called "blog" who is in control? The Blog or Debra and me? I feel compelled to write daily and feel a bit like a character in that fairy tale, which one is it, that can't stop doing some deed or other, daily, or there's hell to pay! Oh yes, it's Rapunzell and something about spinning thread........I feel like I can't stop spinning yarns or something horrid will happen to me. I'm become a character (of my own making) in a story where I am captive until forever.......oh well, it can still be fun. I just have to keep it light.

and now what shall we talk about today? The children, the grands, parenting, family events, the positive/negative effects of culture on family, politics, religion, spirituality, health in all its forms???

I'm going to contemplate all of the above and see if I can't just collect something from my stream of consciousness that might contribute to someone. Since I'm still basking in the glow of my Mother's Day celebration maybe I'll share a bit of that. Yes, I know it's become one of those Hallmark card holidays but in truth it didn't start out that way. It started out as a protest against war. Since wars are generally thought to be generated and proliferated by the world of men, women must stand up and refuse to send their children to war and that's how the first Mother's Day evolved way back when.........I will look it up and get back with that information.

My most recent family celebration for that infamous day was spent at my brother's house where my children and grandchildren gathered to honor me with a barbque on a lovely, sunny day. I have a son and a daughter, both in their 30's and they each have a son, one 2 and one just about a year.

I'm close with both of my children and adore the babies. Since they live close by I get to spend lots of time with all of them. That's mostly a good thing and then sometimes I think we are too involved with each other. But it works for us and we have deep, satisfying relationships with one another. I believe that we are put here to work on our relationship issues with the people in our lives, family, friends, co-workers, etc. It's a powerful way to learn about ourselves, correct mistakes we may have made with others, especially our children.

Back to Sunday....We spent about 3 hours together, cooking, eating, talking. The plumber came by to work on my brother's shower. We spent time admiring his new bathroom tile and sink. His friend, Charlie, from Thailand was visiting and he showed us some of the beautiful stones he brought back with him. The babies played. They bumped heads and cried. We ate delicious food cooked on the grill. My brother has acquariums, one with fish and one with big turtles. The two year old fed worms to the turtles. The baby took a nap. The sun shone and the breeze blew. The view from his deck was lovely. It was very busy, very noisy and so much fun for me!!!

Anyway, will sign off for now. Wishing you a great day..........come back tomorrow and see where we've been or what we have to offer.

Cheryl

A wise little "grasshopper"

A true story sent to me by my niece about her 5 year old son:

So I took Ben to get his present and he started looking at a really dumb toy.

I said "Ben, that is a stupid toy, I'm not going to buy it so pick out something else."

He said, "Mom, that is a naughty word, you can't ever say stupid."

When we were done shopping, we got in the car and Ben said, "Dad, mommy said a really naughty word – she said stupid."

Tim said, "you are a good police officer, Ben"

Ben said, "I am not a police officer right now, I am a woman."

We said, "What? No you're not"

He said, "YES, I am a woman"

So I asked, "What's a woman?"

And Ben said with the tone of a professor, "A woman is a man that's really, really mad."

-

"Towards your Depth..."

So.......Mother's day. My 8 year old son who has always been a Ghandi type personality made a card for me and inside a little pocket pasted inside the card he had secreted a $5.00 note...."towards your depth" he said shyly. "My depth?" I asked. He mutterred something about hearing about it on TV and perhaps that is true. I however wondered how much he had heard me worrying about "my debt". I will keep that note forever to remind myself of how our children feel our anxiety and carry it at times and how I need to be mindful of that!

And also to remind me of his beautiful depth...

Here is a picture I painted for a charity auction a few years ago.Enjoy!

debra

Happy Mother's Day!

This is for all you mothers, stepmothers, grandmothers, adoptive mothers, aunties, foster mothers, mothering women and the like! It's all been said before, but let us say it again.....For all you do in the name of family, parenting, peace in the home, love, nature, beauty in all its forms. For all you do to heal the child, inner and outer, create new life, sustain life, honor life. For all the little things you do that no one really noticed but you. For the impact of your kindnesses and intuition. For saving a child's first finger painting, 3 long decades after its created and spending an entire night awake to assure baby's breath is strong.........for all the love and devotion to family that keeps humanity going....I send you a big hug, many kisses and send light straight into your heart that connects you with all the rest of us. And let's not remember all of this just one day a year, but daily. The heart of family never stops beating!

Lovingly,
Nana Cheryl

p.s. Please visit our site, www.mindfulfamily.org or www.mindfulfamily.com and participate in our forum. We would love to hear from you!

More, who I am...

Just a little more about me, Cheryl. Maybe Debra will elaborate later, too. I'm a mother, a grandmother, a social worker, a traveler, seeker, single woman, champion for Peace in the World.

My interests are varied and I am usually involved in multiple projects as I find the world a fascinating place with much to do, see and experience. People also fascinate me. I am most interested in watching the effects we have on one another by our behaviors, our interactions and communications. This is probaly what attracted me to my current profession where I design, develop and manage programs for young children and families.

I was a single mother of two for many years, so I have experience in that area of parenting. I believe strongly that parents have an enormous influence on the very early years of their children's lives. Now science seems to be in agreement with this theory and provides support for many of my assumptions.

European travel, most especially to Italy, has captured my attention in the past decade or so. In order to support my travel habits I created a side business taking small groups of people on weeklong tours in the countryside of Italy. The Italian lifestyle is very relaxed and I appreciate how much Italians enjoy their family life.

As this blog develops I will elaborate on some of the other interests that are so precious to me and that make my life feel so rich. As Helen Keller once said, "Life is a daring adventure or nothing at all".

MINDFUL FAMILY BLOG SPOT!

Hi
My name is Debra . My friend Cheryl and I have developed mindful family for people just like you who want to raise your children with consciousness and an appreciation of one another's beauty and that of the precious earth we have to enjoy and protect.
Let's start talking!
Last night I spoke at a local Mother's event in our community.The proceeds of the fundraiser went to the Breast Cancer Fund and to the Post Partum Health Alliance in San Diego of which I am a proud board member!The Breast Cancer Fund is all about prevention and really interesting...check it out..It's important for all of us. A man who lost his wife to suicide spoke on behalf of the Postpartum health alliance..they are a great resource too.Refer friends you may think are at risk.
So...what was interesting for me being the mom of 2 wonderful boys..... 11 and 8 years old and a child play therapist was that all the moms in the room had one concern in common..."Are we messing up our kids self esteem?" I thought about this and I believe that our constancy,our reliablity and our message to them that we love them, are proud of them for who they are and not what they achieve will be the cornerstone of their sense of self. Of course we will mess up, often! That's ok.....and besides perfectionistic moms make anxious kids.So.....have fun, be real, model vulnerability and the ability to say sorry..all important Life skills.ANd trust yourselves....

You are here!

The map of our lives rarely reads like the map at the mall, does it? We are too busy trying to maintain our day to day lives, which get more complicated as time goes by. And if you are a parent, planned or not, it seems so hard to "catch up" with ourselves.

Just now I'm listening to a radio report on NPR that says women who are waiting longer to have children are putting their children's health at more risk than having a child when they are younger. My point? It's not easier to be a parent today when you are younger, older, planning it or not.

What makes the difference in making life a bit less stressful in any of the above scenarios? Creating a good support system, either from family, friends or community, whatever that looks like for you....I think the best "planning" prospective parents can do, is to discover who their community is and ask for support, outright when expecting a child. Who are the people in your life that you would like to have around you and your child/family when you need to rely on someone other than yourself or your spouse? This is a vital question for figuring out where you stand on the "map" of family life.

Need homework? Figure out who who in your life you could trust to be there for you if you asked for some sort of help/support. It could be just making a meal for your family, running an errand when you are too stretched to do one more thing or giving you a time out by watching your child while you take a walk or go for coffee.

We are blogging, too!

Yes, now we are blogging like millions of others on the internet! Please stay tuned for the latest state-of-the-art information/research results about children's development; thoughts, stories, musings about families; creative activities for spending time with your family; health information and your comments in response.

Have a lovely day,

Cheryl